No home-buying blog can really be written without pointing out the ridiculousness of real estate agent language.
There is part of me that is resisting this as a subject. It’s clichéd, and as an ex-journo I can’t help but admit to some level of grammar-nazi-ism.
Yet at the same time, I’m not without grammatical quirks myself and have been known to incorrectly use semi-colons and spell “accommodation” wrongly.
It seems hypocritical to me that I have such an unnerving desire to drive to each agent located within a 10km radius, pull their marketing staff aside and give them a lesson on apostrophe use.
In the words of the Oatmeal, if it’s a contraction, you can write “it’s been a fun day, we should go to the velociraptor petting zoo more often.” If it’s a plural, not-so-much: “I saw two kittens riding a goat. Goats make for good transportation.”
Houses are near cafes…. not cafe’s. Unless you’re saying “near a cafe’s locality” which grammatically makes more sense but is superfluous.
As a young cadet journalist, my love of adjectives in creative writing was beaten out of me by late-night phone calls from dusty subeditors on the West’s backbench. I learned quickly that details and verbs are better than adjectives.
“The car ran into the pole,” versus “the Nissan Patrol careered into the lightpole, catapaulting the driver through the windscreen.” The latter was always preferable.
A morbid example, but you get the gist. I have two flyers on my desk right now from houses we’ve looked out. Between the two of them, here are some of the adjectives:
Vibrancy, yesteryear, distinctive, character-filled, close to shop’s and cafe’s, delightful, prestigious, versatile, spacious, well-appointed, lovely…
Two descriptors in particular caught my attention, which just leant themselves to parody:
In other news, the hunt continues.
We stormed through five properties on the weekend, none that we actually liked. Sadly the property we didn’t put a bid on last weekend is under offer for an amount we could have easily afforded…
But, unlike everyone else, we’re not in a hurry. Life in the warehouse is pretty good.
We’ve got this home open palaver down to a fine art. So we’ll cruise through houses for sale, play nice with the throngs of first homebuyers and polished agents, giggle at the horrific descriptions of properties and blog about it until we get something we like.
Hopefully, in a couple of months articles like this won’t appear any more and suck my will to live: